Thursday, February 23, 2012

Hello, Old Friend

Life has gotten in the way of my blogging, but I am on a quest to find my voice/direction. I thought this would be a cool place for me to help with fashion advice, but my job and everyday activities make it hard to keep up. I am going to try to mix in some random posts with some things that keep me inspired (fashion, food, fun, etc.). My goal in doing this is to find my inner voice and keep my mind positive.

While on hiatus, I have been steadily trying to manage issues with anxiety/panic disorder. I never knew how physically disabling this could be until this past year. I had a panic attack while driving home from work which was the offset to my struggle. I though it was from the stress of work and planning a wedding, but my symptoms have not gone away.

I have always been someone who wants everything perfect and will not stop until this happens. When this isn't the case it bothers me, but not in a healthy way. This is not good for anxiety. I am trying hard to change my mindset and let myself know that it is okay to not be "perfect", but it makes me feel like I am being punished for who I am. Since my panic attack, I find it hard to process my thoughts and internalize my emotions for fear that another attack might arise. This is hard for me and I feel awful for my husband who is trying so hard to make me happy and get me through this time.

Trying to deal with myself and figuring out the remedies to get me healthier is very exhausting and can be trying on one's self esteem. It's consumed my life and I spend a lot of time wondering what I did to cause this and when it may happen again. All it takes is that little feeling (shortness of breath, rapid heart beat) to scare me and kill all the fun. This sometimes keeps me from going anywhere. I don't want to have an attack in front of anyone or even worse embarrass my friends or family.

I have to keep positive thoughts in my head, because dealing with this would make anyone go crazy. It's hard to explain to someone who's never dealt with this, because it sounds silly and seems easy to solve, but believe me it isn't. I really want to manage this better and find my strength again and it is something I must do on my own.

To get me through I try to put things into perspective and realize that God has a plan for me and that this is just a test. A test to help me prepare for bigger and better things. Life is always a challenge and I want to continue to spread love as best I know with the people who matter to me most.  Let the positivity begin!

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